last year when the oc took a week or three off i wrote some fake episodes. since the oc isn't on tonight, i thought i'd do the same.
we last left the gang with things all neatly tied up and back to orange county normality. well, marissa's still a lesbian, but micha barton's acting is so bad that it's hard to even notice that plotline. kirsten and sandy are back together after a hot make out session in the rain. seth and summer are back together after...a hot make out session in the rain (a la spiderman: the movie) and lindsay is finally FINALLY out of the picture, having moved to chicago. oh, and rebecca (the former fugitive fling of sandy) is back in hiding. THE RAIN HATH WASHED AWAY THE SINS OF ALL!
sandy and kirsten are smearing schmear on bagel in the kitchen of casa de cohen, as the sun beats in through the newly installed sun porch windows. belle & sebastians "if she wants me" plays in the background.
sandy: mmmm...schmear...
kirsten: now that your ex-girlfriend that you nearly married all those years ago before she had to go into hiding after that messy situation involving a nuclear power plant is gone, we're back to being the center of moral perfection in orange county. especially after you showed me how much i mean to you by taking the bus, public transportation! i say this is cause to celebrate, i'm organizing a party for tomorrow night.
sandy: yes, rebecca is gone forever darling, and i promise nothing happened at all during our recent time together in that secluded beach office of mine, or in the seedy hotel during the rainstorm. we haven't had a party in weeks, i'll get my suit pressed after i finish up here.
seth enters the room, skipping
sandy: you look happy this morning kiddo, what's up?
seth: yes father, last night in the eye of the storm - under nearly impossible circumstances - summer and i rekindled our love.
kirsten: love! this is one four letter word i haven't heard you use in the same sentence as summer's name in quite some time.
ryan enters, dragging his feet and looking glum
ryan: what's this?
seth: i was just telling the parents about a little something i like to call "me and summer getting back together" ryan. it's a story for the ages really, and for another time - we must get to school my young lad.
ryan: don't call me lad.
seth: why are you brooding? oh this is great, you're brooding, my parents are happy and dryhumping on the counter right now and and my quick wit is almost fully restored as are my spirits. welcome back to the oc bitch!
seth and ryan are sitting in the fancy school cafe, drinking coffee
seth: so seriously my brother from another mother, what's up with the scowling disposition? that look is so last year for you.
ryan: lindsay chose chicago with her mother over staying here with caleb, who by the way is her real dad.
seth: ah, yes, aunt lindsay. ew! ryan, do you realize i went on a date with my aunt!
ryan: this is about me right now seth, me.
seth: right. you're right. well, i mean no one wants to live with julie cooper and my gramps so you can't really blame her. plus, you're a cohen now so you two couldn't really date anyway.
ryan: i know. [sinks hands into his hair] it's just going to be tough without her here. and now marissa is a lesbian.
seth: you aren't dating your aunt and your ex is a lesbian, this all sounds like good news to me. [raises coffee cup] cheers!
summer enters, bloc party's "this modern love" plays in the background
summer: hey cohen, ryan...so, has anyone seen marissa? she hasn't been to school in four weeks.
seth: is this any way to greet your boyfriend after such a passionate upside down reunion in the rain?
summer: we can't reinact spider man everyday cohen.
seth: summer, i'm fragile, don't say these things! we can, we will! okay, anyway, marissa is living with her girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend, down on the pier. and you know what summer, high school just does not pay the rent.
summer: i wonder why marissa never tried to make out with me. i'm hot right, am i not hot enough for her?!
seth and ryan gaze into the distance picturing a scenario involving all three girls
marissa, cleaning the house, sits down at the kitchen table. after applying some neutragena lotion to her hands, she lets out a sigh. the delays "long time coming" is playing on the broken stereo
marissa: [to herself] what have i gotten myself into? rent, bills, cleaning, lack of closet space for my shoes and chanel bags.
she grabs a bottle and takes a swig from it. then another. later we find her stumbling into the bait shop.
alex: hey, i'm glad you came, the band is so hot tonight.
marissa: let's make out, i love being a lesbian, i love not living with julie and caleb...
marissa leans in to make out with alex, cue interpol's "not even jail"
alex: are you drunk? your acting is so bad it's hard to tell if you're drunk or just slightly retarded.
marissa: i'm drunk! i love drunk!
alex: okay, let's get you home.
marissa: nooooo! i want to stay! why are you pushing me away? why does everyone push me away?
the next morning at the house that lesbian love built, there's a knock at the door as the epochs "mouths to feed" lingers in the background
alex: who's knocking on the door at this hour?! [opening door] ah, seth, i should have known. you know, i'm beginning to think these frequent visits are merely to up your chances of seeing marissa and i naked or something.
seth: alex, alex, alex, my punk rock princess, my intentions are noble, i swear. the cohen's are having a party tonight and i wanted to extend the invitation to yourself and marissa. we're all heading to the mall later and summer wanted marissa to come, so can you make sure she's up by noon.
alex: sure, but she had a rough night so i can make no promises.
seth: marissa does like the juice alex, watch out for that. you don't want to become the sid and nancy of the oc.
alex: okay seth, i'll try to have her up...
seth: do you need help, where is she, in the bedroom, i can come in and help...
alex shuts the door. seth can be heard still talking outside.
seth: hey, that's cool. whatever. hey alex you're hip, what do you say we all go to sxsw this year. you can recruit some fresh bands to play the bait shop and...no, okay, i'm going now...
NEXT WEEK: the mallpisode. four youths from the oc, stuck in a mall after hours. what will happen! it's so breakfast club, i can hardly wait.
songs from this fake episode included:
if she wants me.mp3 - belle & sebastian
this modern love.mp3 - bloc party
long time coming.mp3 - the delays
not even jail.mp3 - interpol
mouths to feed.mp3 - the epochs
bonus track (via sarah): float on - the kidz bop kids
Ha! This is the funniest thing I've read all week. It certainly makes the O.C.'s absence easier to bear.
Posted by: Feaverish | March 03, 2005 at 03:45 PM
hmm...interpol is always playing when lesbianism is afoot.
Posted by: mr g | March 03, 2005 at 04:28 PM
great fake episode!! can't wait for the next one.
Posted by: jenny | March 04, 2005 at 09:52 AM
Long time reader, first time poster.
Decent story, needs more Caleb. But for your effort and creativity, I'm going to donate $475 for you to go to SXSW. Psych!!! It's in Austin, TX. There are only two things that come from Texas, and it doesn't look like you have horns.
Isn't it time someone created a KCist?
Posted by: Don Julio | March 04, 2005 at 07:00 PM
this is totally awesome. we love it! i am especially into the soundtrack and the color-tweaked logo.
Posted by: tara | March 04, 2005 at 08:38 PM
Hahah. Nice! Loving your site.
Posted by: j4r3d | March 05, 2005 at 05:33 PM
That's Great!
Plus...I LOVE to see that THE EPOCHS are finally getting the attention they deserve....not that this is alot of attention, but they are really an amazing band.
Keep up the good work!
Posted by: Joel | November 02, 2005 at 08:25 PM
haha.. I love it!! You do Seth really well!! Thanks for this!!
Posted by: Polia | January 01, 2006 at 11:31 AM
You know thats really offenceive about Marissa and Alex
Posted by: Jess | January 28, 2006 at 01:47 AM
thanks for long time coming!!!!!
Posted by: isaac | March 02, 2006 at 02:02 PM
what have you got against Marissa? she's only the best actor on the oc.
Posted by: Allanah | September 21, 2006 at 10:37 AM
whateve. shes dead.
i miss marcy :(
Posted by: colm | January 11, 2007 at 11:43 PM