[ben brown, of ben brown! has kindly taken over my posting duties for today.]
THE SQUID, THEY RISE
I know that the readers of this blog are interested in three things, a) indie rock from the UK featuring boys who wear eyeliner, and b) when is Jennifer going to post nude photos of herself on the internet, and c) have I updated my awesome blog. And, while those are all motivating subjects about which I could blog for hours, I am here to talk to you about a more pressing subject: squid.
Did you see The OC last night? That was a bad ass episode, but it really failed to deliver on what it promised. IE, why didn't Lindsay die, and where was my teenage lesbian kiss? I mean, sure, we got the MARISSA, YOU RUIN EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH AND I HATE YOU FOREVER, mixed with the I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO, RYAN, EVEN IF IT MEANS DESTROYING EVERYTHING YOU LOVE, but I mean, come on? Is that really what living in Orange County is like?
The answer, my friends, is no.
The OC is the new front line of the secret war that cephalopods are waging against us dry-land-dwellers. This tuesday, 500 Humboldt squid swam up from the watery depths and stormed Newport Beach. This seems, at first, to be an interesting quirk of nature, like when you wake up to find a clump of thirty thousand squirming red bugs fucking on your window sill, but the truth is much scarier.
Now, I haven't read any HP Lovecraft, and I know only the tiniest bit about Cthulu and all of that jazz, mostly gleaned from watching Hellboy on DVD while suffering from a severe bought of the flu last year, so my weird and silly beliefs do not stem from some silly horror novel. They stem from only pure science and hard facts.
These squid are invading our fair shores, and they mean to take over. Real evolutionary scientists believe that squid will one day be one of the dominant land species on this planet. They're incredibly adaptable, intelligent, and delicious. Humboldt squid, which are a sort of smallish-to-medium sized squid, are known for their aggressiveness, and have been known to attack divers. And, there are a lot of them. Like, billions and billions.
Say we took every human being on the planet and mulched them up into a big bloody frappachino. Now, say we took every squid in the ocean -- some tiny, some medium, some 20+ meters long with razor sharp claws instead of suction cups -- and we mashed them up into squid paste. If you measured the frappachino against the paste, you'd have a lot more squid paste than human frappachino. And do you know what that means? That means we are outnumbered.
Sandy wants to build low income housing in Newport. I think that's a really great idea for the Newport Group to get behind, even though I am also a fan of meaningless lifestyle magazines. The squid have a
different plan. They've tried to invade New Zealand, and Australia. They've hit San Diego, and now Newport. Do you see a pattern? The squid want our nice beaches, and they will stop at nothing to get them, even if it means throwing their foot soldiers onto the shores in the hopes that just one of them will learn how to breath air and walk upright and maybe grow a skeleton.
Living under the Bush regime is bad enough, and he doesn't even have 8 tentacles with which to smack you down.
It is only a matter of time, my friends. The squid, they rise. Start eating a lot of calimari now, or you will be sorry.
i thought this was about the OC. I got a little lost after the "The answer, my friends, is no." part.
i want to rant about marissa. what was that i-may-be-attracted-to-a-girl look all about? jesus can't mischa barton act anymore?! she already did the lesbian thing on Once & Again.
i've developed a drinking game whenever i watch the OC.
every time marissa cries have one shot of zygo vodka.
every time marissa almost cries have one beer.
every time marissa cries over ryan do Jell-O shots
every time marissa cries about how hard her life is down a whole bottle of jameson.
Posted by: jenny | January 21, 2005 at 03:10 PM
Her life is hard! She's got like, 10 moms and 20 dads and lives in a giant mansion and has girls nights out at age 16 where she drives her giant SUV to a club where they let her drink and watch indie rock bands. THAT IS THE DEFINITION OF HARD.
OMG THERE IS A BUG ON MY FLOOR.
Posted by: Ben Brown | January 21, 2005 at 03:57 PM
Here's a game-A shot of any liquor everytime they say "I'm sorry"-you'll be hammerfaced just in time to deal with all the American Idol promos.
Posted by: T4 | January 21, 2005 at 04:26 PM
Ben you're not watching hard enough...this season they have Marissa driving around a red, obviously product-placed 2005 Mustang GT, seen quickly last night at the lesbian's house (I thought they were all too drunk to drive?)
Posted by: David | January 21, 2005 at 09:09 PM
i want to rant about marissa. what was that i-may-be-attracted-to-a-girl look all about? jesus can't mischa barton act anymore?! she already did the lesbian thing on Once & Again
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